I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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