i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
