I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
