i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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