just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
