Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
