i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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