I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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