All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
