Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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