just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
