have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Randomize
