I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
