If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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