He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
