I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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