the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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