nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
