I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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