One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
