either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
