I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
