don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize