the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
