I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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