everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize