I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
