I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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