Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
did i walk over a car last night?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
