Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
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