i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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