Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
nutella sex= disaster
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
