It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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