she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
