I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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