It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
