I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
