dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
