can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
