Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
