i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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