i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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