This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
