I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
