my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
