just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
how can u be prego again
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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