Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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