I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
