Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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