The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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