While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize