Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Randomize
