Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
