I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
