I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
NoShamevember. You game?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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