Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
