Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Randomize
