We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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