you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
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