I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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