She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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