I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize