You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
