im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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