upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
