I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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