He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
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