good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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