the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I am available for nakedness
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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