I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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