you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
